• No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
• When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
• If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
• Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.
• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
• Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
• Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
• Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
• The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
• Wrinkles don't hurt.
• Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD :

• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
• Forget the health food. You need all the preservatives you can get.
• When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
• Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.