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A fellow goes to his dentist complaining that something feels very wrong in his mouth. The dentist takes a look and shakes his head saying, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely disintegrated. Something has eroded it almost completely away. What have you been eating?"
The fellow replies, "Well, all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it she called Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much that now I eat it on everything; my meat, my fish, on vegetables, on toast....on everything!"
"Well," said the dentist, "thatís the answer. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice which is highly corrosive, and that has eaten away your upper plate. Iíll have to make you a new one, and this time Iíd better make it out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
To which the dentist replied, "Itís simple. Everyone knows thereís no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!" "Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe, "Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back, "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."
"...it's a ham bush!"
In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.
Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!"
The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!" he said and vanished.
All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course, all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.
The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.
One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.
The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?", he said.
"I will, sir!" said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.
The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!
Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.
"How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"
The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to "LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS."
Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldnít find it because it had disappeared into thin heir
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was folling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family that made their living weaving cloth. "Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Iím sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later, the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was Jack's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionize the sport.
The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the "bee nut". It is a fastening attachment that allows a player to adjust the head on their club to any angle, thus saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs. Thus, for example, a player can use the same club to putt with as they used to get out of the sand trap.
Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and players everywhere are taking golfing picnics, so they can try their new "bee-nut putter sand- wedge".
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
So, Noah is waiting by his ark. Waiting for all the animals that God has promised will squeeze into the boat that he's built. And then he sees them. Great numbers of beasts all converging on where he's standing. So he lowers the gang-plank, and watches as the animals start filing on board, two-by-two. And as they go into the ship, Noah can be heard passing comments on each animal that goes by - "Hmmm... two horses," he says, "they don't taste very nice, but they're edible," and "Ooh! Two sheep. I love roast lamb". And so it goes on, for each pair of animals, Noah counts going on board, he says something about what they're like to eat. Eventually Noah's son can stand it no longer, and he goes to his mother to ask why.
She answers, "Well, there's Noah counting for taste."
To which the son replies, "Now I've herd everything."
Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Jose loved baseball, he loved the Yankees.
He worked and saved and at long last bought a ticket, took a plane, but when he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out. Not a seat to be had. Jose pleaded, touched the heart of the ticket office and they found him a seat way out in the bleachers behind the flagpole.
Jose saw his baseball game and went back to Puerto Rico, flying so high he almost didn't need a plane. Well, Jose, they asked when he returned, "How was it?"
Jose raved. The stadium, the game, the Yankees and, oh yes, most of all the fans. They were so friendly, so concerned about him that it was unbelievable. "Can you imagine it? Before the game began, they all stood up and turned, looked at me and sang...
"Jose? Can you see?"!
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully, and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that...
a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"
A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Everyday, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.
The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.
Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.
There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries and pull the lever to raise the alarm.
Now obviously, the security of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So, he has to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do his job.
And that is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
There once was a guy named Arthur Twiddle. He was your ordinary, homeless street bum, and everyone called him Artie. He found a cozy area to live next to this huge mansion. He lived in a cardboard box, and he would gather the crumbs from the owner of the mansion for food. The ownerís name was Mrs. Ralphs.
Everything was fine until Mrs. Ralphs decided to get a pet cat. Instead of throwing away food, she would feed it to her cat. Artie got really frustrated at this move, so he decided to rob her of all her money. One night, he snuck into her mansion and found a huge safe hidden behind a plant. He noticed that it had been recently opened and not completely shut. With anticipation, he forced open the safe, and to his surprise and disappointment, there was only one dollar. He screamed out with rage, "One stinking dolla'! How cheap!"
The butler came in and threatened to report to the police. Artie, being afraid, instinctively choked the butler to death. Then the maid came in and screamed at the sight of the dead body. Artie then impulsively choked her to death as well. Mrs. Ralphs finally entered the room and told Artie that she had called the police already. The sounds of the police sirens were already audible. Artie, realizing that he couldnít escape, choked Mrs. Ralphs to death too.
The police busted in and arrested Artie. Many reporters were there, and Artie made the front headlines of the National Newspaper. It read:
"Artie chokes three for one dollar at Ralphs"
There was a Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. Violators will be toad."
One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.
"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even."
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