The directions read: "get a burrito, put it in a shoe, add mustard, ham, fish, a frog, pancakes, eggs, sand, a horse, scotch tape, and a Big Lots shopping cart. Then use the supersoakerphotosynthesis diagram. The talking boomerang pizza would tell you what to do. Then eat a three cheeked moth, and stand on your head until you get the hiccups. Hiccup seven hundred twenty-two times. Go get Santa Claus and the President of the United States, and assassinate the President. Then put Santa Claus's foot in the shoe. Then get a yak. Put the shoe in its mouth for five years. Then take the shoe out of its mouth. Put one million dollars in it and throw it out in the backyard until it rains. After it stops raining, pick it up with your mouth and knarl on it for a few hours. Then put it on, and do the same with the other. If they don't work try again and again. If they don't work after five times, return for a full refund."

After reading the directions, I called back and asked if any of them were ever known to work. They answered no. I asked if I could return them before following the directions. They answered no. I asked if they could provide some of the things needed. They answered no. Then I asked if there was any other way to get them to work. They said I would have to come down to the store and get the full instruction manual.

I went to get the manual. I had to pay someone to help me carry it. I took it home and opened it up. All the pages were blank until the last page. It said: "Turn over a shoe, and turn on the 'on' switch. Then do the same with the other, and put them on." So I turned on the switches and put them on... But before anything happened I said, "I don't want these anymore. I'm sick of them. At least I can burn that instruction manual."


3/15/95
8th Grade